The Real Hot-or-Not

If you haven't seen this - it's amusing.

Exam Frustration

This is another funny email that I received a bit ago.
One of my all-time favorites!

Let's face it, we've all been frustrated in exams . . .














This one is cut of a little - so here is the question and answer:
Q: "An engineer designed an ocean liner that would extract heat from the oceans waters. He thought he had a good idea, but his boss fired him. Explain"
A: "Because he slept with his boss' wife."


Also cut of a little:
Q: "Suppose you set out to determine if X0 cats are phenotypically female, but you can't directly look at chromosomes. What kitten colors (with respect to orange, calico, and black) would you look for in one specific color cross?"
A: "I would check to see if it had a vagina"

This last one is somewhat "off color" and some might find it offensive, so I give you the choice of seeing it by clicking here.

SNOW=KILL TRIGGER

I HATE SNOW! I HATE WINTER! I HATE SNOW IN THE WINTER! I HATE STUPID PEOPLE DRIVING IN THE SNOW!

Ok, I've got that out of my system somewhat. So, I'm thinking that being a social worker and all into social action and whatnot that I should use my community intervention skills to rid us of this snow. I mean, come on, enough is enough. It was all cute when the first snow came before Halloween - but I say "UNCLE!" I heard that Utah is at 150% of normal snow fall. Great, now we're going to jump from "Conserve water - it's a drought" to "Oh good mother of monkey pies, the Great Salt Lake has overtaken my neighborhood and State Street has class 3 rapids!" So, being that each year we're feared into believing that we're on the brink of utter demise from the presence or lack of water - I feel that it is high time that we gain a voice and tell someone to stop this insanity. I call for a petition. A petition to call Chuck Norris into action. I mean, if the man has God-like qualities that can stop a black hole, then he can certainly stop all this stupid snow. Or at least he can arm wrestle God (yes, I believe in a corporal God) into a showdown. I mean, I could accept a black hole if I had tried to divide by zero (gasp!) -- but I have not even attempted any faulty mathematical operations to deserve this snow. Please, Chuck, find it within your heart to reach down to us suffering Utahans and save us from utter demise. If you're with me, let's get a petition going to put Chuck Norris' bat-crazy skills into good work.

The things one hears on public transportation

So my wonderful wife, Julie Rae, decided to buy me tickets to the Blue Man Group as a Valentine's Day present. Being that they were performing in SLC on Feb 2, I got my present a little early :) If you don't know, I'm a HUGE Blue Man fan. Here I am with the wax Blue Men in Vegas (I'm not sure where my pic with the actual LIVE people is right now). Anyhoo, If you've never seen them, GO. It's worth the arm and leg you spend in Vegas.

So as to avoid traffic, we took TRAX to the venue. On the way back, we were standing next to an interesting pair of young men. Ok, they were plain WEIRD . . . possibly even in the freak category (what is the official cutoff?). I'm sure you've seen guys like this. The kind that will never see a naked woman in real life. Yeah. Throughout the 30 min ride, we were eavesdropping into their conversations (Julie's favorite public game) about comics, video games, the things that a 12 year old would go on about. But these two were probably closer to 22 than 12. Well, we both keyed into their conversation for this gem of a quote:

"It's impossible to divide by zero. Dividing by zero will create a black hole in your universe, and only Chuck Norris is awesome enough to stop a black hole."

Wow. As a mental health professional, there is so much I would like to fix with this situation. Julie and I had to bite our tongues to not bust up laughing. So, we have 2 questions . . . 1) What other imaginary catastrophes are created when a novice attempts math, and 2) what happens if Chuck Norris is on vacation every time our math skills spark the utter demise of the universe as we know it? Is there no one else that could possibly stop such a thing? Perhaps a math tutor?

So, now not only do I LOVE Blue Man - I also love the great view of our American public one sees when they take a journey on public transit. If you haven't tried it - I would highly recommend it. Maybe some other day I can share my experience of being chased by a drunk man with a shard of aluminum can on the bus in South Korea.

Bread with Attitude

Julie's younger sister emailed her the following bread recipe.

"Quick 2-hour butter crust bread.com

3 cups warm water

3 pkgs. dry yeast....roughly translated...3 tablespoons

1/3 cup suga

3 tbsp. oil (cooking oil, not car oil)

6-61/2 cups unsifted whole wheat flour

1 tbsp. salt

1 cup powdered milk

Mix water, yeast, suga, and oil. Sift (which is to lightly fold) dry ingredients together and add to mixture. Let stand in warm place for 15 minutes. (no sitting or leaning) Knead (pronounce K-need) well for 10 minutes.Form into loaves and place in two well greased (lightening) loaf pans. Let rise for 15 minutes in warm oven (80 degrees ish) Remove bread and heat oven 350 to 375 (pick one or the other) Replace in oven (just the bread no need to replace the whole oven. although sears might be having a sale) and bake for 50-55 minutes.

Mom said she "pounds" the dough into the cookie sheets and brushes the butter over the top. Then sprinkles the cheese goodness and garlic stuff on top. Then she cuts them. Then she cooks them. Then she takes them out. Then I eat 'em.

I should never be allowed to email recipes. I find them very boring. So I add my own commentary"

If someone wrote a cookbook that was enjoyable to actually read - I'd buy it!! Laurel, I think you found your new major at BYU - Cookbook Humorologist.

Prepare for Tax Season . . .

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. He decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to “God, USA” they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

“Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC and they deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

The Absolute AWESOMENESS of Olan Mills

So, I received this in my email - and it was SO funny that I had to post it. ENJOY!!

Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.


Thoughtful Lance. Mirthful Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.


Drake won Most Awesome Senior Mullet by a landslide.


That dude wore a tie for nothing


The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.


I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.


It's called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn't have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser. Mine was teal. I wore it with a silk floral shirt and a long necklace with a football player pendant that we all got at that year's team banquet. I was THE MAN.


Once they had two or three, how did they ever find enough time alone to make more? (I can't say much here - my parents didn't stop until 8. Can we say MORMON?!)


Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?


A pose like this will get you kicked right out of the Convention.


Bobbi isn't the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Denny's.


Rejected Toby Keith album cover.


Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation. In a business suit. Y'know, for a budget meeting with the slaves.


Dawn and her recently exhumed sister, Gorgotha, pose with Scraps. (This one just might be my favorite - I'm still laughing!!)


This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that Orange.


And don't miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform "Godspell" next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish. (The next Osmonds?)


Yes, they were kicked out too . . .


No comment . . .
(I think he could fit a Bipolar diagnosis)


Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unabomber and his wife.


The Library might be more believable if the shelves weren't sloping downhill. Is that a book on teen pregnancy?*


Olan Mills is all about versatility. The simple addition of a column turns this generic plantation into Ancient Greece - where apparently someone opened a Hair Cuttery.


Patrick broke ranks and chose drag over the bow tie.


You'd think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.


Is this posing or bragging?


Kenneth and his prom date.


I got a $20 that says he drives a Camaro.


Hiroshima, 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and little Senor Loco. (This one took me a while - look at the ominous clouds in the background.)


Yes. Someone spent money on this.
(Julie, don't get any ideas!)


It's so cute when couples have matching hairdos. (Do you think Goldie Hawn knew about Kurt Russell's second family?)


Talk about a third wheel . . . or just another nude photo with her brothers? (It's amazing what Nick Lachey is doing for attention after Jessica Simpson left.)


Nothing says 1973 quite like denim and helmet hair . . . don't these kids have parents with matching hair too. (I know you're gonna scroll up to look)


Hey, No picking of the nose, little girl.


B-52's, the early years.


Ever wonder what in the world they were all looking at?